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There is a definite "classical" method one should strictly follow while one's horse is bucking.
. Ensure that you have an audience. There is absolutely no point in being decked by your horse unless there are, oh, say a hundred people around to watch. This way, you will have made them feel better about their own inadequacies, and you won't have to go into tedious detail explaining to everyone you know exactly how it happened. It is considered good form if at least one of the audience members is either:
a. Someone you admire and want to impress; or
b. Someone you despise and don't want to give any ammo to; or
c. Someone you have the hots for and want to impress; or
d. Your best friend, who will have no compunction in falling over, laughing and pointing.
2. Try to be spectacular. I mean, anyone can just get bucked off and land on their backside, can't they? You want to try to make this "the decking to end all deckings." The Titanic of bucks. You get the picture. Now, for this you will need the following: An extremely acrobatic horse - you want one of those twisty-turny jobbies last seen at the National Rodeo Championships; a supple back - you should practice somersaults, pirouettes and handstands at home; a hat- see, I can be sensible!!!
3. It is best if this buck comes at a time when everyone is watching you, but no-one is prepared for what is to come. During a dressage test is good. Your horse should be working nicely, giving no indication that you are about to become "the person who learned to fly." Of course, experts at this will point to the tail swishing, the ears twitching back, and the tension around the nostrils, but they are show-offs and should be ignored. To the uninitiated, this will look like a dramatic performance which you and your horse have practiced at home.
4. When the horse leaves the ground, and launches you into the air like a cannon ball, it is far more gratifying for the crowd if you can let out a blood-curdling yell. Kind of like William Wallace when they cut his, um, thingies off. Practice this at home. When the local rangers knock on your door, asking if you are keeping a wild cougar in your back yard, you will know you have it right.
5. You should try to stay elevated as long as possible. The longer the better. If your arms and legs fly in impossible directions, as if you were a rag doll, you will achieve additional marks for artistic impression.
6. When you land, try to do so with a thud! The kind of dull kind that you hear when you drop a melon from a great height. Try not to go "splat" - it puts the audience off their hamburgers.
7. Lie immobile for a while, as your horse runs off into the distance. After a suitable time, raise your head and groan : "you b****d".
Welcome to Horse-Aholic's Anonymous
Good Afternoon.
I AM a horse-aholic. I would like to welcome all of you to this month's meeting of Horse-aholic Anonymous. Some of you are here tonight because a friend or relative brought you. You may be sitting here thinking that you are OK and don't really need any help. It is not easy to admit that you are a horse-aholic and it is even harder to bring yourself to a HA meeting for help. HA is here to assist you. I have some questions to ask. If you can answer YES to more than three of the following, you have come to the right place.
1. Can you say "sheath" in public without blushing?
2. Do you drive a big truck with a towing package when everyone else drives a real car?
3. Do you have more than one vehicle? One for you and one for the horses?
4. Do you spend your holidays going to shows, clinics and seminars when everyone else goes on a cruise?
5. If you do go overseas, is it to a riding vacation in Ireland or to Spruce Meadows to watch the Grand Prix?
6. Do you discuss things at the dinner table that would make most doctors leave in disgust?
7. Do you consider formal wear to be clean jeans and freshly scraped boots?
8. Is your interior decorator State Line Tack?
9. Was your furniture and carpeting chosen with your horses in mind?
10. Are your end tables really tack trunks with tablecloths thrown over them?
11. Do you know the meaning of _____________?
12. Is your mail made up primarily of horse catalogs and horse magazines?
13. Do you get up before dawn to ride? Go to horse shows? Clinics? [but have trouble getting up for "work?"]
14. If you do have dresses, do they all have pockets? Do those pockets often contain bits of carrot, hay, or sweet feed?
15. When you meet a new person do you always ask them what kind of horse they have and pity them if they don't have one?
16. Do you remember the name of their horse sooner than you remember their name?
17. Do you find non-horse people boring?
If you answered YES to one of the above, there is still hope.
If you answered YES to two, you are in serious trouble.
My advice to all of you with three or more YES's is to sit back and smile, turn to the smiling person next to you, and know that your life will always be filled with good friends and good horses and it will never be boring.
Top 10 Ways You Know That Martha Stewart Has Been in Your Barnyard
10. There is a potpourri pomander hanging from each halter.
9. The horse's hooves have been cut with pinking shears.
8. The horse treats are all stored in McCoy crocks.
7. The manure fork has been decorated with raffia.
6. That telltale lemon slice in each new silver water bucket.
5. You find carrot & apple treats stamped out with copper cookie cutters and decorated with royal icing using a #2 rosette tip.
4. Mane & tail hair has been collected and put into wire baskets for nesting material for the birds.
3. A seasonally appropriate grapevine wreath adorns the front of each stall.
2. Your horse goes outside naked and comes in wearing a thyme colored virgin wool hand knitted blanket with matching leg wraps.
1. The manure pile has been sculpted into swans.
Chain Letter
Dear Horse Owner:
Are you experiencing too many second and third finishes behind inferior horses at horse shows? During a trail ride, does your horse forget everything he was bred to do?
Well, this simple chain letter is meant to bring relief and happiness to you. Unlike most chain letters, it doesn't cost any money.
Simply send a copy to six other horse owners who are dissatisfied with the way that their horse is behaving. Also, bundle up your horse and send him/her to the horse owner at the top of list, and add your name to the bottom of the list. Do not use a return address or the post office may try to contact you.
In one week you should receive 16,436 horses, and at least one of them should be a keeper.
Have faith in this. Do not break the chain. One owner broke the chain and got his own horse back.
Good luck!
TOP TEN EXERCISES TO BECOME A BETTER HORSEMAN
10. Drop a heavy steel object on your foot. Don't pick it up right away. Shout, "Get off, Stupid, GET OFF!"
9. Leap out of a moving vehicle and practice "relaxing into the fall." Roll lithely into a ball and spring to your feet.
8. Learn to grab your checkbook out of your purse and write out a $200 check without even looking down.
7. Jog long distances carrying a halter and a carrot. Go ahead and tell the neighbors what you are doing - they might as well know now.
6. Affix a pair of reins to a moving freight train and practice pulling to a halt. Smile as if you are having fun.
5. Hone your fibbing skills: "See hon, moving hay bales is FUN!" and "No, really, I'm glad your lucky performance and multimillion dollar horse won the blue ribbon. I am just thankful that my hard work and actual ability won me second place."
4. Practice dialing your chiropractor's number with both arms paralyzed to the shoulder and one foot anchoring the lead rope of a frisky horse.
3. Borrow the US Army's slogan: Be All That You Can Be -- bitten, thrown, kicked, slimed, trampled, frozen...
2. Lie face down in a puddle of mud in your most expensive riding clothes and repeat to yourself, "This is a learning experience, this is a learning experience, this is ..."
1. THE NUMBER ONE EXERCISE TO BECOME A BETTER EQUESTRIAN: Marry money.
Horse Tradings
A prospective buyer looks over Attaboy and could find nothing wrong with the horse. He asked the owner, "How come you want to sell him so cheap?"
The owner said, "I'm bored with him. He's a show-off. He's an actor. When they take his picture after a win, he turns his profile. When they play a fanfare, he starts to dance. He even whinnies to music."
The prospective buyer said, "Those antics could be cute. I'll buy him."
The owner said, "Okay, Attaboy, get up and do your 'lame' impression."
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The horse you sold me last week is a fine animal, but I can't get him to hold his head up.
Oh, it's because of his pride... he'll hold it up as soon as he's paid for.
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Horse Sales Terminology Translated:
BIG TROT: can't canter within a two mile straight-away.
NICELY STARTED: lunges, but we don't have enough insurance to ride him yet.
TOP SHOW HORSE: won a reserve champion 5 years ago at a show with unusually low entries due to tornado warnings.
HOME BRED: knows nothing despite being raised on the back porch.
BIG BONED: good thing he has a mane and tail, or he would be mistaken for a cow.
NO VICES: especially when he wears his muzzle.
BOLD: runaway.
GOOD MOVER: runaway.
ATHLETIC: runaway.
NEEDS INTERMEDIATE RIDER: runaway.
SHOULD MATURE OVER 16 HANDS: currently 14 hands, dam is 14.2, sire is 15.3 hands, every horse in pedigree back 18 generations is under 16 hands, but *this* horse will defy his DNA and grow.
WELL MANNERED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a week.
PROFESSIONALLY TRAINED: hasn't stepped on, run over, bit, or kicked anyone for a month.
RECENTLY VETTED: someone else found something really wrong with this horse.
TO GOOD HOME ONLY: not really for sale unless you can
1) Pay twice what he is worth
2) Are willing to sign a 10 page legal document to allow current owner to tuck him in beddy-bye every night.
EXCELLENT DISPOSITION: never been out of the stall.
CLIPS, HAULS, LOADS: clippity clippity is the sound of his hooves make as he hauls butt across the parking lot when you try to load him.
FOR SALE DUE TO LACK OF TIME: rider cannot afford to spend anymore time in the hospital.
QUIET: dead (almost).
SPIRITED: psychotic.
WELL BRED: mother and father are also brother and sister!
COLOR IS BLACK: brown and/or dirty.
ANY VET CHECK WELCOME: Please pay for us to find out what the !@#$ is wrong with him!
SUITS EVENTING: no brakes.
SUITS DRESSAGE: no accelerator.
SUITS ANYONE: except us, we hate him!
Horse sense is found usually in people with a stable mind.
Top Ten Things You Won't Hear Your Horse Say
10. Don't clean out my stall, I adore the smell.
9. No thanks, one can of oats is enough for me.
8. Doctor, may I please have a rectal exam.
7. I just love traveling in a hot trailer.
6. Mr. Farrier, please don't stop pounding on my hooves.
5. There's room for one more on my back.
4. I feel like galloping another 20 miles.
3. Low branch! Duck!
2. You can go ahead and leave, I'll wash myself down.
1. Can we do this again tomorrow??
Murphy's Horse Laws
There is no such thing as a sterile barn cat.
No one ever notices how you ride until you fall off.
The least useful horse in your barn will eat the most, require shoes every four weeks and need the vet at least once a month.
A horse's misbehavior will be in direct proportion to the number of people who are watching.
Your favorite tack always gets chewed on, and your new blanket gets torn.
Tack you hate will never wear out and blankets you hate cannot be destroyed.
Horses you hate cannot be sold and will out live you.
Clipper blades will become dull when your horse is half clipped.
If you approach within fifty feet of your barn in clean clothes, you will get dirty.
The number of horses you own will increase to the number of stalls in your barn.
Your barn will fall down without baling twine.
Hoof picks always run away from home.
If you fall off, you will land on the site of your most recent injury.
THE HORSE'S LIST OF NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS...
1. I CAN walk and poop at the same time - I can, I can, I can!
2. I will NOT stop and poop or urinate every time I pass the same spot in the arena.
3. I will NOT leave when my rider falls off.
4. My stall is NOT my litter box. When I have free access to my paddock, I will NOT go back inside to pee.
5. I will NOT roll in streams or try to roll when my human is on my back.
6. I will NOT leap over large non-existent obstacles when the whim strikes.
7. I will NOT walk faster on the way home than I did on the way out.
8. I promise NOT to swish my tail while my human is cleaning my back feet.
9. I promise also NOT to choose that particular time to answer nature's call.
10. I will NOT bite my farrier's butt just because it is there.
11. I will NOT confuse my human's blonde hair for really soft hay.
12. I will NOT wipe green slime down the back of my human's white shirt.
13. I will NOT blow my nose on my human.
14. I will NOT try to mooch goodies off every human within a 1 mile radius.
15. I will NOT lay totally flat out in my stall with my eyes glazed over and my legs straight out and pretend I can't hear my human frantically screaming "Are you asleep?"
16. I will NOT chase the ponies into the electric fence to see if it is on.
17. I will promise NEVER to dump the wheelbarrow of manure while my human is mucking my stall.
18. I will NOT grab my lead rope in my mouth and attempt to lead myself.
19. I will NOT have an attitude problem - I won't, I won't, I won't!
20. I will NOT pull my new shoes off the very next day just to prove that I can.
21. I am neither a beaver nor a carpenter. I promise I WON'T eat or remodel the barn or the new fences.
22. I am NOT a Shin'a'in Battlesteed. I will not act like one.
23. I WILL forgive my human for the very bad haircut, even though I look like a freak.
24. I accept that not every carrot is for me.
25. I will NOT do the Arab Teleport Trick when a bad/naughty/awful Horsasaurus Monster breathes at me.
26. I will NOT jump in the air and turn 180 degrees every time I see a deer.
27. I will understand that deer are NOT carnivorous.
28. I will NOT shy at familiar objects just for fun.
29. I will NOT bite the butt of the horse in front of me during the trail ride just to say "Hi".
30. I WILL put my ears forward and cooperate when it comes to photos.
If you have something fun to share, let us know!
